I have recently become obsessed with smoking/cigarettes. I go to bars just to watch people smoke, I watch their fingers and the way the cigarette stick sits comfortable between the index and middle fingers, I watch their mouths and how they wrap around the stick, holding it tight like an old friend, I watch their eyes and see their chests rise as they take in drag after drag, I see the smoke they exhale and I watch it disappear. Most fascinating of all to me is how the cigarette stick reduces in size so rapidly till all that is left is the angry red bottom. It makes me so excited, I dance on my seat like a kid that has seen and wants candy. It must feel so good, to sit down after a long day and smoke all the stress, pressure and disappointment of that day away. Just drag, breathe in, breathe out and do it all over again and again. I imagine the cigarette as the pressure and everything else wrong with one’s life and you drag on it and just breathe it away till it gets smaller and smaller then it is gone. I can totally see how it will bring relief, life has set me on fire so why can’t I set this little stick on fire and watch it burn? Maybe if I drag on it long enough, hard enough all my worries will get shorter like a cigarette stick and I would exhale them like the smoke and watch them disappear. Like who would not feel better after that? And I wonder if this is how it starts. Nigerian mothers and teachers and in fact everybody else always make it seem like people start smoking or become alcoholics because of negative influence from friends. They make a big deal about staying away from bad gang and all of that. But what if this is all it takes? Just the right amount of pressure in the right places and I feel like I am going to explode inside me, and at this point in my life a cigarette feels like the best idea. How much more pressure before I start to think maybe cocaine is not so bad? Anything to take off the edge.
Dealing with my stress and pressure right is important. I try to tell myself that every day. I have enough vices as it is already. Love,
Serena.P.S : I really do not know about those people that fail to put their phones on silent in class, then they act ll surprise when it rings out, usually playing one stupid song. Like ‘OMG is that mine? I had no idea it could ring so loud’. I usually just want to smack them. The only reason why I have not bought a pack and smoked it all in my room is because I have learnt over time that troubles are not permanent, they come and they go. When they come, it take more than the lit butt of a cigarette to make them go away.